| Every now and then, it seems worse than it is... |
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[17 Aug 2008|02:21am] |
RARELY PUBLIC
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[07 Aug 2006|10:25pm] |
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It's never worth it. Maybe I am the only person who realizes this anymore. It's like the effort is never worth it. Good intentions? Fuck it. Bad intentions? Just as well. People are always going to misconstrue. People are always going to turn your words, your actions, shit you haven't even done... all of it against you. I've given in. I've sank into and out of myself. I'm so wonderfully detached from everything and everyone these days. I'm watching the world through a fucking microscopic lense, and let me tell you... it is making me nauseous.
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[05 Aug 2006|04:22am] |
I'm tired of being punished for not hating. I'm tired of being punished for not holding a grudge. I'm sorry that you can't suck it up and just exist. I'm sorry you can't give it a rest.
But it's too much to ask me to choose, not between friends, but between best friends. I won't do it.
Fuck everyone who has asked me to do so. But mostly, fuck myself for not being able to.
I think I would have cried the whole way home if it hadn't been so ungodly cold. My face would have frozen off.
But I'll make it a bit easier for all of you. I'll take myself completely out of the picture. I wont call you. If you ever want to talk to me, talk to me. I'm not making an effort for anyone. Not Larkin. Not P. Not Beth. Not Skye. Not Chris. You know where to find me. And instead of feeding off of all of this negativity, I hope you come to me when you want to.. and not just to make me send someone else away. I love you all. But the burden is fucking me up royally.
The awful thing about including Chris and Skye in this is that they have never asked me to give the rest of you up. NEVER. They don't have any words about you all except endearments and fucking love. But I won't be accused of taking sides again, so I'll include them.
It's not fair. And I won't comply.
I'm moving out of this apartment. That should make things easier on all of you. Tomorrow I take my shit home. And if I ever set foot in here again it will be to claim more of my worthless belongings. Things I will only end up burning in my backyard.
Megan can have this place all to herself. And she can set her own rules. And she can allow who she wants when she wants.
I'm tired of being a pawn.
How fucking dare you say one means more than the other. I choose nobody. I choose myself.
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[04 Aug 2006|03:28am] |
Friendship isn't a ring, it's a soggy piece of week old white bread between two pigeons, each pecking at it as fast as they can so they get the most out of that one stupid piece of bread.
I can almost hear my skin groaning against the frown I'm trying to wear, my face feels like a barren desert wasteland, molten lava between pockets and cracks of clay. My blood is radioactive.
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[29 Jul 2006|05:57pm] |
I heard a commercial while driving today. I think it sums up everything that is wrong with this country.
" Go buy the new mint chocolate chip pop tarts. Put them in the freezer. It's just like ice cream. Only chewy. "
... I kid you fucking not. I almost drove off of the rode at the sheer absurdity of it all. What the fuck is wrong with the world? Consumers are no longer satisfied with--
I just cut that sentence short. I seriously can't get into a two-paragraph rant about fucking pop tarts.
I walked into the grocery store, still floored about what I had heard on the radio. I wandered the frozen food aisle, as if expecting to see giant pop tarts trapped in glass cages. But no, I just ran into two stoned czechoslavakians eating frozen waffles right from the motherfucking box. While freestyle rapping.
Oh, good. For a second I thought I had slipped into an alternate dimension with all that pop tart nonsense. But the baked euro trash really brought me back to reality.
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[18 Jul 2006|11:35am] |
“There are born suicides and born non-suicides. The former don’t necessarily kill themselves, the latter sometimes do. I belong to the first category, you to the second.”
“I will never kill myself,” Matthew said bluntly. “I believe, truly believe, that if you kill yourself you go to Hell.”
“It’s because you’re already in Hell that you kill yourself,” said Isabelle.
“That’s witty,” replied Matthew, “but Jesus was wittier. Let me put it this way. I’ll never kill myself because I love you.”
“You say that but you may not always love me.”
“I will always love you.”
“I wonder. If amour didn’t rhyme with toujours, maybe we’d never have thought of equating love with eternity.”
The Dreamers Gilbert Adair
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| O.o |
[16 Jul 2006|05:10pm] |
I just tried to call COMCAST, and this is what I got...
" Much more than a mouthful here. You've come to the right place for nasty talk with big-busted girls who looove to get off. Mmmmm. Shoot your load between a pair of double-Ds, honey. Oh, yeah. Or just take your time enjoying huge, hot handfuls tipped in pink. "
...
It was only after that phone call that I realized something. I don't even have comcast. I need to call charter.
Klonopins, you so crazy.
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[16 Jul 2006|02:00pm] |
Wow. I haven't been that fucked up in a long time.
It was all an accident really.
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[15 Jul 2006|10:26pm] |
It's in these spit-soaked upper limbs that I find the greatest form of contortion. The pull of bone and sinew, sex-rocked and worn-out. The strain of brutalized muscle. Muscle that could only wish it had worked as hard as my feet. Those feet that pitter-patted, a prostitution cacophony. As if in warning. To tell of my coming. The money was easy. The drugs were easier. A shot, sniff, swallow... a three-way assault into modern heaven. I'd fuck a straight razor to turn it all around now. The blisters of what would have been. Like sun-scorched lip-prints.
I remember him pressing against my ankle. The hostility I held then. The kick to the throat I gave him.
I remember the late-night touches of insatiable fingertips. The fear I held then.
I remember trying to strangle myself every night with a plastic belt.
Age eleven.
It felt like the perfect time to practice for the end.
Because we all knew it was going to be like this.
Half-hearted words. Filtered through recycled paper.
Virtue is a marathon. I'm beyond tired, I'm dead.
This if why I drop. Drop. Drop. Face of the earth. Counter. Fuck formica. It's gone.
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| i just want to punch you big shocker big shocker big shocker big shocker |
[14 Jul 2006|02:08am] |
" I love you. But at the same time... what person would want to be put through hell? "
awesome. totally fucking awesome.
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[14 Jul 2006|02:07am] |
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I'm really sick of people telling me to seek professional help.
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[30 Jun 2006|09:48pm] |
should i swallow up the night and let the flood gates open wide to reveal all i want and all that i fear i am.
whilst i clumsily fumbled over your body, i tried to make you feel it. i tried to make you see it through my eyes. and i was searching for a higher power. and never even knowing that by searching i was losing half my mind.
but now i know you, god i know your war. you don't even answer. you don't even try. you don't even see that it's tearing up your mind. you don't even answer. you don't even fight. because you don't need an army. you divide and conquer.
you divide and conquer. and i am such a sucker. and look out now it's over.
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| anyone can be bought. |
[13 Jun 2006|01:58am] |
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oh, kiefer.
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| You're a furious boy. I mean eventually you won't be a boy and it'll eat you up. |
[05 Jun 2006|01:09am] |
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I watched ' Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance '. And unless you have also seen that movie, you are no longer allowed to speak with me. Not that it was such a great movie. But I have a strong appreciation for all things involving illegal kidney removal.
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| content to change. |
[12 Feb 2006|10:14pm] |
he told me he felt like he died.
and i wanted to whisper that i will die to.
"if only to be with you."
and our organs can turn to rotting soup,
we dont use them correctly anyway
and when we are nothing but bones,
our souls can slip free
and we'll live in eachother's rib cages
and make a happy home beneath the sternum.
we can drag your body to the sea,
my skin never felt right there
and mine can be hidden away in the city
where we can hear all of the hit-and-runs
your's can be our summer home.
because i swear i'd love nothing better.
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| shake that laffy taffy |
[10 Dec 2005|09:32pm] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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HOLY SHIT! I thought I lost all of these pictures a few years ago. But somehow I found them.
( not dial-up friendly )
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[29 Nov 2005|11:08pm] |
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Nip / Tuck. Now that show is FUCKED UP. And I think I love it.
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| devilish cadence |
[24 Oct 2005|10:14pm] |
My Halloween costumes always fuction in three parts(soviet pirate ballerina, junkie punk cat, disco madonna princess, etc). It's like a well-rehearsed opera. Do operas have three parts? Perhaps some? Truthfully I've never seen one, but it's become a musical obsession as of late. I almost spent eighty dollars on La Traviotta & some Maria Callas the other day. Can't remember what I bought instead. A latte & something.
Anyway, this year I will be a zombie nurse dominatrix. I am keeping my eyes out for the PERFECT wig. Fate will throw it in my hands at just the right time. Even if I have to rip it off somebody else the night of, I will find it.
I drink far too much hot tea when I'm at work or my mother's house, which pretty much accounts for 80% of my awake time. My teeth are going to be stained and oh so british. I can't fucking wait.
Last night Larkin wanted me to cut her hair, but insisted that we take five shots of jager first. I CUT ALL HER HAIR OFF. ahahahaha.
It actually looks nice though, it's very even. Which is a miracle since I used kindegarten saftey scissors.
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| kindra, you so crazy. |
[14 Oct 2005|08:30pm] |
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| galileo. |
[30 Sep 2005|05:48pm] |
I bought false eyelashes today. They have green & black polka dotted feathers that sprout off of the outer edge.
I might get a tattoo from a native american medicine woman.
Ebay, you are FUCKING, BRILLIANT.
....OMG!!
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